One thing I normally love about writing is how the thoughts must line up single file to flow through the words as they uniformly follow one another politely refraining from stepping on each other and tangling as they do in my head. As I try to understand the lessons of this time the untangling has been slow and uncomfortable for me.
I think I hurt Diana's feelings and pissed her off a lot during what came to be the final year of her life. So I've been wandering the labyrinth of sorrow alone in my journal, and out loud with those who love me and were somewhat removed. Some of it may be worth exploring here... given that any year may be the last we get to spend with someone we love.
I have thought for a long time, maybe always, that the best we can give those we love is the truth. I don't mean Truth, I just mean honesty...saying it as we see it, and owning sometimes our vision sucks. I consider this a difficult thing to do, yet very worthwhile in general, and specifically with those we love most. Diana totally is in that category for me. I gave it to her to the best of my ability. With all my love. It hurt and pissed her off and now she's gone. This is not good for me.
Friday, May 30, 2008
my labyrinth
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8:37 PM
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5 comments:
Hurt her feelings and pissed her off by coming every day or so and massaging her? By taking care of Marie? Are you doing survivor guilt?
Your first line is downright poetic. The imagery really hits home for me.
My first impulse on reading your conclusion was to contradict you, but I realize that I can't do that for two reasons: 1) who the hell am I to invalidate your feelings? and, 2) okay, it's kind of true.
You did challenge her, and in so doing, sometimes you pissed her off and sometimes you hurt her. You're not alone in that, although for the last year, we were a pretty small club.
We've all spent a couple of months reflecting on how cool Diana was, but let us not not get too caught up in our own bullshit -- she had Lessons to learn just like the rest of us. Your challenges were not things that she couldn't absorb -- sick or not, her brain and her spirit were hers to end. Sometimes, she did learn from them, and sometimes she just wrote them off as 'dd being dd..'
That said, for every time you pissed her off, you also did probably 10 (20? 50? 100?) things that made her smile, that brought her ease, that gave her something to look forward to, even when things were at their shittiest. Your presence and your love were constants that she could and did rely on.
Does that help?
yup, it helps.
I mostly wish we'd have finished off on a cleaner note. If wishes... then beggars... Now I'm looking for maybe some kind of different policy, that won't end me up in this fix again.
Thanks Kevin.
So are you going to stop being truthful with everybody, or just with those who might die in the next year?
;P
dd-I so clearly remember when we (sisters and mom) were at the house, last spring and Kevin and Diana were trying to teach us to play Sheepshead (is it sheeps or sheep?) You came in, with some message or update on something and before you left, you kissed her, all over her hair and all over her face. She smiled, alot....she wasn't pissed off. Your honesty and openess, works in a number of ways. Don't forget the good ways too. Katie
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